‘Twas The Night Before Chanukah
Hanukkah| No Comments »‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHANUKAH…
OY! WHAT A SHOCK!
SOMEBODY OUTSIDE
WAS PICKING OUR LOCK!
AND THERE AT THE DOOR
STOOD A ‘ZAYDA’ IN BLUE-
AND HE WORE ON HIS KUPP
A BLUE YARMULKA, TOO!
HIS PUNIM WAS SHAIN-
EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE IT!
‘ROUND HIS NECK HUNG A CHAIN
WITH A GOLD MOGEN DOVID!
HE WORE SILKEN TSITZES
BENEATH HIS WOOL VEST,
AND A SMALL FLAG OF ISRAEL
WAS DRAPED ON HIS CHEST!
HE SAID: "I’M NO BURGLAR,
SO PLEASE DON’T BE NERVOUS.
I’M THE SPIRIT OF CHANUKAH,
HERE AT OUR SERVICE!"
"MENCHEN ALL CALL ME
‘REB’ SHALOM SHAPIRO!
WITHOUT ME, THIS YOM-TOV
MIGHT NEED A NEW ‘HERO!’"
"I VISIT ALL YIDLACH,
AND BRING – KINNAHORRA-
GOOD FORTUNE AS BRIGHT
AS A GLOWING MENORAH!"
"ICH SHLEPP LOTS OF BLESSINGS
AND CHANUKAH GELT,
AND JOYS THAT ARE TAKKA
THE BEST IN DER VELT!"
"IF YOU KNOW NICE MENCHEN,
I’LL VISIT THEM QUICK,
AND I’LL BRING THEM GEZUNT
AND A HOUSEFUL OF GLICK!"
SO WE SENT HIM TO YOUR HOUSE,
AND SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED.
HE SHOUTED, "SHALOM!"
OUT THE DOORWAY HE DARTED!
HE RAN TO A WAGON
WITH HORSES AHEAD.
HE FED THEM SOME BAGELS,
AND HERE’S WHAT HE SAID:
"LET’S GO, MOISH AND MENDEL!
MAKE QUICK, MOE AND YUSSLE!
PLEASE GIVE A RUSH, MALKAH!
HEY, HYMIE, PLEASE HUSTLE!"
THEN THEY RACED LIKE THE WIND!
AND THEY GALLOPED SO SHNELL,
ALL HIS CLOTHING BLEW OFF,
AND HIS GATKES AS WELL!
SOON HE WAS SO KALT
THAT HIS TUSHIE TURNED BLUISH!
HE MOANED AND HE HOLLERED
IN ENGLISH AND JEWISH!
SO, DON’T ACT EMBARRASSED,
AND PLEASE DON’T BE RUDE
WHEN THAT FROSTBITTEN ZAYDA
ARRIVES IN THE NUDE!
QUICK! WRAP HIM IN BLANKETS!
DON’T BEAT ‘ROUND THE BUSH’!
AND TIE A HOT WATER BAG
ON HIS COLD TUSH!
QUICK! FEED HIM SOME CHICHEN SOUP
HEISS AS CAN BE!
AND GIVE HIM SOME SHNAPPS
AND A GLEZ’L HOT TEA!
‘CAUSE HE BRINGS YOU A HOUSEFUL
OF CHANUKAH WISHES
AS WARM AND GESHMOCK
AS PLATE OF HOT KNISHES!
AND HE BRINGS THEM FROM OUR HOUSE
SO FRIENDLYAND BRIGHT,
SO YOUR HOUSE WILL KEEP GLOWING
WITH CHANUKAH LIGHT.
PLUS JOY SWEET AS TSUKKER,
AND PEACE AND GOOD-CHEER
AND EVERYTHING FRAYLACH
EACH DAY OF THE YEAR!
AND NONE IN YOUR FAMILY
WILL BE A SHLEMAZEL,
FOR LIFE WILL BRING EACH OF YOU
SIMCHAS AND MAZEL!
AND ALL THROUGH THE FUTURE
YOUR HOPES WILL COME TRUE,
AND HIMMEL WILL BLESS
YOUR MISHPOCHA AND YOU!!!
Translators available at 1-800-YIDNITE
This humor was submitted to us for posting. Author unknown.
Quotations for Christmas & Hanukkah
Christmas, Quotations| No Comments »Quotations for Christmas & Hanukkah
To the American People:
Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind.
To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy,
is to have the real spirit of Christmas.
If we think on these things, there will be born in us a Savior
and over us will shine a star sending its gleam of hope to the world.
~Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933), United States President
Presidential message (December 25, 1927)
Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first.
~George Matthew Adams
Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it "white."
~Bing Crosby
Our holiday traditions are about connecting with one another.
~Oprah Winfrey
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
~Bob Hope, American film actor and comedian
My Christmas wish is that we will continue to be thoughtful throughout the year.
~Patti LaBelle
At this time of year, when the sun is most hidden, the holiday of Hanukkah celebrates the rays of hope and light… At such times, we yearn for the sun, and the light and warmth that it provides. Often, it is through simple and unrecognized miracles that we are able to feel the warmth of hope and light.
~Rabbi Rafael Goldstein
If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another.
~Tenzin Gyatso
Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
~Marianne Williamson, Author of A Return To Love
The lights of the Hanukkah menorah that we kindle in our homes are a reminder both of the Menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem and the light that shines brightly within each one of us.
~Libi Astair
When a person is "being with" or "present in the moment" their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual "being-nesses" are in the same place at the same time.
~Brian Klemmer
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
~Buddha
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
~Albert Schweitzer
He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
~Roy L. Smith
Giving really starts to be better than receiving. I guess that’s a sign of growing up.
~Jewel
Home is familiar and filled with tradition. It’s aunts, uncles, cousins and lifelong friends.
~Brian Naylor
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~Johnny Carson
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
~Shirley Temple
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
~Dave Barry
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
~Erma Bombeck
It is the personal thoughtfulness, the warm human awareness, the reaching out of the self to one’s fellow man that makes giving worthy of the Christmas spirit.
~Isabel Currier
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."
~Norman Vincent Peale (1898-1993)
Pastor, Speaker and Author
For Yuletide quotations, stories, poems, traditions and treasures, see the book Heart of the Holidays, by Sheryl Roush
Heart of the Holidays book is available only here with a BONUS MUSIC CD of Christmas and Hanukkah selections, by talented pianist Laurie Z., and beloved actor Jack Palance.
