Keep Holiday Stress to a Minimum: Learn to Say No
Christmas, Hanukkah, Heart of the Holidays, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Tips & Trivia| 2 Comments »Keep Holiday Stress to a Minimum:
Learn to Say No
4 simple tactics for saying no to unnecessary obligations.
By Katherine Kam and reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
For many of us, the holidays were magical in childhood, carefree times to be savored. But then we grew into hordes of harried adults, falling victim to the season’s high expectations. Holiday stress has become as much a tradition as the Christmas ham.
"People are overcommitted," says Marc D. Skelton, PhD, PsyD, a psychologist in Laguna Niguel, Calif. "Christmas and other holidays around this time are always supposed to be fun, and you’re supposed to do a good job in terms of entertaining friends and family." In an attempt to live up to the season’s tall orders, "people will just run from pillar to post," he says. It’s not even "Christmas" anymore, some of his clients lament. It’s "Stressmas."
We also overload ourselves with inherited traditions, even when they no longer fit into our busy lives, says Elaine Rodino, PhD, a psychologist in Santa Monica, Calif. If one’s mother "baked a thousand cookies and gave them to everyone she knew," Rodino says, "people feel obligated to follow the same kinds of things."
But there is a secret to cutting holiday stress: Just say no. You don’t have to bake all those cookies, Rodino says. "You can start your own traditions.’ And you can learn to say no to lots of other demands, too, including party invitations that don’t entice or a whopping gift list that could clean out a mall.
Holiday Stress-Reduction Tip: Decide What Matters Most
"The spirit of the holidays is gratitude and giving," says Patti Breitman, co-author of the book How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty. Only a Scrooge would dispute that generosity is admirable. "It’s very satisfying to offer support to the people we love, help out a neighbor, or do something positive for the community," Breitman writes. But "the conflict arises when we continually agree to things that please everyone but ourselves or when we commit to tasks for which we have no time or desire." By saying "yes" to every holiday invitation and demand that comes your way, you could wind up exhausted and possibly broke. Instead, reflect on what you cherish most about the holidays, experts say, whether it’s sending greeting cards to maintain relationships, tree trimming, baking, religious observances, seeing family and friends, supporting a charitable cause, or just relaxing. When you know your priorities, you can turn down the less important things, Breitman says. "It’s easier to say ‘no’ if you know what you’re saying ‘yes’ to."
How to Say No to Holiday Stress:
1. Say No to Parties That You Don’t Want to Attend
2. Say No to Out-of-Control Gift-Giving
3. Say No to Unwanted Houseguests
4. Say No to Taking on the Work for a Big Holiday Celebration
Emotional Survival Guide for the Holidays: 7 Tips
Christmas, Hanukkah, Heart of the Holidays, New Year's, Thanksgiving, Tips & Trivia| 1 Comment »Emotional Survival Guide for the Holidays: 7 Tips
Experts explain some simple methods for driving away the holiday blues.
‘Tis the season to be jolly? Not necessarily.
For many people the holiday season, which kicks off with Thanksgiving and spans through New Year’s, is anything but blissful. In fact, this time of year may trigger a bout of the blues or perhaps ignite a depression that has been smoldering under the surface for months. "Holiday blues are a pretty common problem despite the fact that as a society, we see the holidays as a joyous time," says Rakesh Jain, MD, director of psychiatric drug research at the R/D Clinical Research Center in Lake Jackson, Texas. "Many people feel depressed, which can be due to the increased stress that comes with the need to shop and the decreased time to exercise which gets put on the back burner during the holidays." While people with clinical depression should seek professional help, those with a touch of the holiday blues can try these strategies recommended by experts to assure a jolly Christmas and a happy new year.
Visiting Ghosts of Christmas Past
"See what it was in the past that led to trouble, whether drinking too much alcohol or not exercising enough or the decreased social contact that comes from going to parties with relative strangers, but forgetting to connect with friends and family," Jain suggests. "Every time depression visits, it leaves a fingerprint. Look for what in the past has been a repeat source of trouble and find ways to avoid it. If you plan, it’s very likely that you won’t be singing the blues this holiday season."
Sending a Holiday Card — to Yourself
"Writing about your holiday blues can actually change them," says Darlene Mininni, PhD, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit. "People who write about their deepest feelings when they’re upset are less depressed, less anxious, and more positive about life than people who write about mundane things," she tells WebMD. She suggests writing for 15 minutes a day for three or four days in a row and answering such questions as "Why does this upset me so much?" Or "What would I like to see happen?"
Avoiding Scrooges and Grinches
"Look at how to protect yourself from the energy vampires of the holiday season who deplete your holiday energy reserve," suggests Judith Orloff, MD, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California at Los Angeles and the author of Positive Energy. They can include the drama queens, blamers, criticizers, and sob sisters, she explains. Instead, "try and be around positive people. If your Aunt Meg can suddenly start up and start blaming and criticizing you and make you feel like a wreck, don’t sit next to her. Stake out a seat early." "If you know sitting next to Uncle Jake at Christmas dinner will freak you out, assure that whoever does the seating arrangement moves you to another location," says Susan Newman, PhD. Newman is the author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. "Don’t be wishy-washy about decisions. People can’t read your mind. If something upsets you they won’t know it unless you say so."
Not Going Home for the Holidays
"If you want to go to your partners’ family this year and you have always gone home, simply explain that this is what you want to do and don’t obsess about the consequences," Newman says. "Remember, people are really looking to get something done and they are not thinking about you as much you think they are. When you say no, they are on to the next person or task. When you say no to people, you put yourself first and during the holidays, we are always putting everybody else in front of us."
Dashing Through the Snow
"Get outside and exercise," says psychologist Joan Borysenko, PhD. Borysenko is the author of the soon-to-be-published book Saying Yes to Change. "This can be hard because if you live in certain parts of the country, it’s cold and snowing during the holiday season. But getting outside is great because you get sun, fresh air, and exercise," she says. Exercise has been shown to boost level of endorphins, the body’s natural antidepressants.
Remembering That It Really Is ‘A Wonderful Life’
"Be grateful for what you do have and all the positive things that have happened in your life," Orloff says. "Talk to supportive friends on the phone and find the kind of support to make you feel less lonely rather than dwelling on the loneliness." Jain agrees. "Thinking that the glass is half full, not half empty, is a simple but effective tool," he says. "Instead of thinking about what you can’t buy, think about the extra time and joy that you have to share with your friends and family."
Creating a Photo Opportunity
Many people actually love the holidays and feel let down only when the holiday season is over, Baron says. But making a plan to get together after New Year’s can help keep the holiday spirit alive longer. "Take lots of pictures over the holidays and plan a late-January get-together where everyone can share their pictures," he suggests. "It’s something to look forward to without waiting for the spring thaw."
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